This is a very, very rough draft, so I am looking for some criticism if anyone could offer some. You won't get paid, but...
Well, you won't get paid.
Also, points for guessing who it's partly-partly based on. I've spent the last few hours tinkering with it, so I no longer have any idea how obvious (or indeed legal) the inspiration is.
Charmer
1
Son of a Tennessee preacher
naming the psalms in the colors of the fall
the call of the mockingbird and honeybee
God-fearing honor-roll descendant of the sun
running barefoot in the summer through the streams
2
White-eyed and sweating on the floor
the powder and the mirror
fifteen, too young to hear your God desert you
oh childish grace, oh drunken prayer
the Devil holds His hand against your brow
3
And so you stand before us, pretty saint
partly broken in androgyny
our love is born in sound and blooms in sinew
you pay your price: we trespass on your body
we dare to speak aloud your holy name
4
Do not say we don’t know you:
your beer bottles, your tapered jeans
your crucifix and cigarettes
we who count your lashes, pay your wages
we who light our candles in your name.
What do we know, if not you?
If not by us, how do you know yourself?
11 comments:
I really, really like this. Especially the way it's been split into four numbered parts.
Good use of American spellings, too.
As for who it's inspired by... Well, I have an idea, but it's probably wrong so I'm saying nothing.
But you did want constructive criticism, so... hmm. Well, having both 3 and 4 end with 'name' was something I noticed on second-read and found a bit confusing because different words had ended 1 and 2. Having it end 3 and 4 implies that there should be something similar in the rest of the poem.
But apart from that - spreads hands wide - nada.
I think it's brilliant as is, so no constructive criticism (a cop-out, I know). I'd guess it's about a cultural icon that I should know, but I'm not quite sure who. There seem to be some good clues, but I'm a little obtuse sometimes.
Thank you both very much. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Catherine, good call on the "name" thing; I hadn't noticed it, but I'll go back and take a second look :)
There are some great lines in this and much of it is splendidly evocative. I don't suppose that will help you very much. If it was my draft I would be afraid of changing it too much.
I hope someone does know who it's about or it's going to bug me for ever now!
'Pretty saint' I like.
x
I've come back and read this quite a few times and I absolutely love it but I've refrained from commenting because I've been trying to figure out who it is.
I can't.
I've googled it and everything. I went from Elvis to Justin Timberlake (the Tennessee thing).
Please... who is it?
Eh?
Like Ken, I've been back a few times. I hadn't realised quite how good it was the first time, neither did it worry me then to know who it is. But it worries me now - so does the thought that you might change it too much. I've fallen in love with it the way it is.
Thank you all for your very kind comments! This poem is kind of a departure for me in terms of length and abstract-y-ness, or at least it feels like it, so it's great to get some positive feedback.
Haha, okay for all of you who are still wondering who it's about (it's not important - it's never really important), the various clues can be found: in the title; in the first line; the third line of the second verse; the second line of the third verse.
And if all of that is still too obtuse or you just don't know anything about the figure in question (it's not exactly Bono, so don't feel bad)... it's this guy: http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j86/carlotaravioli/m-02a.jpg, from this band: http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y150/Saltlick/Sub3/kol_becauseOfTheTimes.jpg
Totally poem-worthy, I think you'll agree.
And in a very weird formatting mishap, you have to like scroll across to see those links. I'll post them again and you can copy and paste them in bits (which unfortunately you'll have to do because the links are so long), because I'm bored like that and I don't want to ruin it for people who spend time Googling the clues :D
The guy:
http://i78.photobucket.com/
albums/j86/carlotaravioli/
m-02a.jpg
The band:
http://i4.photobucket.com/
albums/y150/Saltlick/Sub/
kol_becauseOfTheTimes.jpg
It's beautiful, I like it. Although I'm late - I'm still here. I won't critique because I can't write such superb poetry.
I can't find the appropriate word to say..I know I should google it but...(smiles).
Keep posting.
Off the top of my head - James Dean.
Although, Brando also comes to mind. I wrote a sonnet about Brando.
Why have I not been back here? Will have to remedy that.
Kat
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